and so it is

After years of trying Gels has finally achieved her 30th birthday. Turning 30's not such a big deal. So long as you dont live in Swaziland. In fact Geraldine would be lucky to live for another 1.88 years if she lived in Swaziland. I can also tell you that by living in the UK Gels has increased her number of years from an expected 48.98 years (South Africa) to 79.01, an increase of over 61%. Smart move (too bad you never picked Sweden - 80.84 years. I keep telling you to think life through. Agnes doesnt know it yet, but we have submitted applications to reside in Chinese Macau - avg life expectancy 84.36 years). I wanted to look up some cantonese to help with the settling and I inadvertently found the secret to their longevity! Gels, as a present to you - on your 30th birthday I give you...



Alex Chiu's immortality device.

From the website:

• What do you think rapture is? Answer: Ones who believe shall not perish and will have everlasting life. Immortality Device is believed to allow humans to stay physically young forever. US PATENT # 5,989,178. The most imporatnt invention in human history. SEE OUR TESTIMONIALS HERE! Alex Chiu knows what causes you to age and hereby discovered a great solution to stop you from aging. See how to make the Immortality Device yourself. Or join our discussion forum.

Its all legitimate, and fantastic. These amazing little devices have been selling since 1996, they have not recieved a single posthumous complaint of its efficacy! I can't believe I just stumbled upon this gem whilst trying to find out how to say hello in cantonese (你好 - pronounced neih huo). Im going to order you 2 in case one runs out. I hope they come with english instructions, because looking at the picture I cant quite make out where exactly on / in your body youre supposed to stick it. I asked if it comes in burnt orange - the black is so ... mortal.

He also sells pills that make you look more beautiful with every day that passes, lets face it immortality aint necessarily a pretty thing - ordered you a couple of boxes, thought you might want to get rid of the 'backlog'.

I cant imagine a place where the general population combine enough wealth and stupidity to make this a feasible scam, but I couldnt help noticing it had a US patent (avg lifespan 78.11 years). So there it is. 30 doesnt seem so bad now does it?

From me and Mr Chiu, Happy 30th Birthday. Wish we could have been there (me and Agnes, not me and Mr Chiu)


PS your real present is in the shop where I saw it. For some reason you cant barter or trade for goods in stockholm - capatilist pigs. Also, my million dollar " 'tie dyed' g-string " venture hasnt quite taken off yet, so im a bit strapped for cash. do you need underwear. or dye?